Ponderings on Grief
When Grandpa died I didn’t really think or feel anything. Mainly because I never saw him much and didn’t know him well.
When my cat Josie died I was absolutely devastated. The second those words left mums mouth I was in tears. I cried several times a day for a few weeks, I cried on any anniversary or special occasion over the years afterwards, and even now I still feel very lonely sometimes. Though our neighbours cat is helping with that loneliness.
When Nanny died I didn’t feel sad at her funeral, I felt more relief that she wasn’t suffering any more. I could appreciate the funeral in that sense, and learn things about her I never knew. When she was in a type of nursing home/high care place to wait out the days until she passed away, we visited her to say good bye. I teared up a bit after we left that place. Seeing the strong, healthy grandmother you remember visiting at her home, become so frail and weak and spend her last few days unconscious in a bed.
When my Brother’s Mother died the only thing that made me sad was seeing my Brother so sad. They organised such a beautiful ceremony for her and I still miss the way they used to banter with each other.
And now, it is my turn. My turn to go through the process of having lost a Mother.
Mum suffered for far too long. She had an unfortunate life which never really seemed to give her a break of any kind. Thankfully she was given one of the sincerest fortunes any of can hope for; to pass away overnight, in her sleep.
Though sudden, it doesn’t really come as a surprise. She only just came out of hospital and I think her lungs just couldn’t cope any more. So I’m glad she could finally have a peaceful sleep. Freed from her body, her mind, and her memories.
When the ambulance people announced she had passed away I didn’t really feel or say anything, just muttered some sort of ‘Oh’. We got through the ordeals of a long day, with waiting, talking to Police, waiting for people to take mum away, and the endless task of ringing people up.
I didn’t really feel anything that night either, though I did go to bed earlier than usual and wake up Friday morning a lot earlier than usual. Happily distracted myself at the stables, ate dinner, and Friday night one particular song triggered the tears and I couldn’t stop crying for about 20 minutes.
Woke up early on Saturday morning, spent a wonderful day at a horse show(photos will be in the next few posts :P), kept busy afterwards, went to sleep early again and woke early again.
I wasn’t hungry until dinner time or later so I ended up not having breakfast or lunch for 3 days. I wake up early and easier than normal, but still end up tired early. Around late afternoon/early evening I get really restless and end up lying down on the floor with the cat on the sofa, and falling asleep there.
During the day I feel totally fine though, I think that might be because most of my interaction with mum was at night. So when people ask me if I’m okay…most of the time I am. I’ll say I’m fine and that it’s okay. And it is. I’m not going to become an emotional mess if someone mentions their mother or the word death in a sentence, I’m not a public griever and can keep my emotions dormant until I’m on my own.
It still feels…I dunno. She’s been to hospital a lot so for the most part I’m used to periods of time when she’s not here. It still kinda feels like she’s just there…in a hospital. But then at night I can feel that the absence is different this time. It fluctuates a lot, sometimes I feel totally fine and sometimes I feel the loss.
I’ve felt such an overwhelming amount of kindness over the past few days from so many people that it makes me emotional. Genuine people are just such a wonderful thing in this lifetime and the fact that you need a death to realise how many there are around you is a bit sad.
But like with Nanny, rather than be miserable I feel more relief that mum isn’t in any pain any more. Ahhh the house is lonely at night though. If Josie was alive she could help me with that.
So now the lounge room table is covered in Flowers and Cards, and I could probably open up a Florist soon.
Lee Jong Suk, to become an escapee doctor from North Korea in Jin Hyuk PD’s “Dr. Foreigner”
The greatest ‘trend guy’ in 2013 is going to challenge himself with a medical drama.
On the 5th, according to many industry sources, Lee Jong Suk has been slated to star in the new SBS mon-Tues drama ‘Dr. Foreigner’. (Writer Park Jinwoo, director Jin Hyuk).
In ‘Dr. Foreigner’, Lee Jong Suk will be playing the role of Park Hoon, who was kidnapped to North Korea along with his father who was also a doctor. While living there, Park’s father trained him to become a doctor. If his casting is confirmed, this would be Lee Jong Suk’s first medical drama.
His representative agency has stated that “we have received the offer for this drama, but we have not confirmed to accept the offer yet”. They also remain cautious, expressing that “there are other dramas and movies we are considering”.
In the drama, the genius brain surgeon Park Hoon managed to leave North Korea and works at the best hospital in Korea, but finds himself to be different from all the other factions in the hospital, thus living as a complete foreigner. He has left a lover back in the North.
The collaboration is highly anticipated by industry insiders, since it is between Jin Hyuk PD and Lee Jong Suk, the 20s actor who has garnered much attention from ‘I Hear Your Voice’, ‘The Face Reader’ and ‘No Breathing’. Jin Hyuk PD was the director for such famous works as ‘On Air’, ‘Wind Garden’, ‘Shining Inheritance’, ‘Master’s Sun’… a name that surely inspires trust in viewers.
'Dr. Foreigner' is about the main character who is completely isolated and his relationship with the hospital and other doctors. It will be a medical drama that is rife with mystery and tension. It will be written by Park Jinwoo, who wrote the script for 'Seoul Farewell', and will be aired Mon-Tue timeslot starting around March of next year.